Should I?

Okay, here are the new updates to my world. As of July 31st I will no longer be working for the Big I. I have accepted a position as Grassroots Manager for the Credit Union National Association. It's one step closer to ruling the world/being able to run campaigns on my own so it's perfect! I am very excited, yet sad to leave my chairs and my friends. So the entire thing is bittersweet. But, I think it's great to finally be recognized and sort of stolen/recruited for the work I have done at the Big I. The greatest flattery is being offered a better/different/cool job here in DC.

For the weird notes.....
I keep having dreams about an old acquaintance. I'm not sure why, it's not like JTG and I have spoken in 8 years, however recently things have been reminding me of our odd connection, mainly my 3 favorite words "Follow Your Heart." I'm hoping he's okay, and that his life has brought him endless happiness, however I am worried at the moment and he's on my mind. So Here's hoping my friend is okay.

Obvious Notes:
I am scared beyond all reason about this new job. I want to do amazing and NOT screw up anything. It's the perfectionist in me. But I also don't want to be seen as over-controlling or anal-retentive. I guess I'm going to have to try and find a fun balance.

Not so Obvious:
I think the people planning my b-day extravaganza kinda forgot to well, plan it. Which is okay. I'm not up for a night of total stupidity and eventually ending up a babysitter even if it is MY party. I'm wondering if I should be mad or if I should just look to a few key people and see there is no need to worry.... I don't think there is. I'm happy, and it's just a day. During THE special day I was surrounded by the people and pets I love most. Who could ask for more?

Those are brief updates. Yes, i know they suck. If you have questions, you can hit me up...

Wow

For the past few days I've been noticing that 1) it's getting colder and that 2) my BFF is becoming less BFF and more "I think I wanna be with you." This has a tendency to happen when your best friend is a boy. A very hot boy. Who you like. And who likes you back. It makes life interesting. Especially when the people around you decide that "My God, Man! You two are perfect for each other! Let us celebrate and get you kids together." Let me be clear, I don't really mind this talk because I'm used to it. But it's really scary when, well IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!

The Wow moment of today came when our Office Manager looked at me and said, "I don't know about you two." My response, "what do you mean." Her, "You two need to get it figured out and be with each other. You're great together." Now, this would normally be something I would just sort of let go and be like whatever. But our OM knows my BFF and myself very well and she's fairly close with our parents. Essentially the only person that could have freaked me out more by saying this is actually his or my parents. The she comes up and says, "You two remind me of the Vanessa Williams Song. You know, 'Save the Best for Last.' I predict one day you two are going to end up together. I know it's going to happen." Again, freaky...... And now Coldplay's "See You Soon" is playing......... Creepy but good.

End of a Year.....

It may have taken me a full academic year to realize certain truths about myself. The first is that I came to law school because I had nothing better to do... I did the minimum amount of work, and I have still managed to do okay.... You should not go to law school simply because you don't know where else to turn.

I realize now that I spent a year being lied to emotionally. I spent a year with teo people wanting to much to believe in a cause, a truth, and impossibility, that he and I both lost who we were and I think are still recovering trying to find who we are.....

It took me a long time to realize why I love my best friend.... Why he amazes me. Then I heard Benny on the phone and I knew why... He's the best of Benny and the best of Andrew... He's the best of the two greatest men I've ever known... That's why I fell, why I still fall, Why I am still in this hopeless type of love.

At this time of year I can smell the magnolias although there are none around for me to climb. I can still feel the warm Southern breeze against my skin, warming me, making me stronger, helping me to feel as if I belong... I miss the South. I miss my Carolina and my nights spent with the windows open feeling the air and sensing self...

I have come to the conclusion that no one ever really grows up, we just forget how to dream big. I never want to forget how to dream, how to feel... I guess in a way I never want to grow up. I always want to believe that my dreams are possible and that they will become reality if I just believe enough.......the hard part now is finding a dream I can beleive in again.... As much as I hate to say it, it seems many dreams I used to have are now tainted... I don't want that, I want the purity of dreaming, the purity of hope, the purity of self again. Easier said than done... But as long as I'm will to travel down that dirt path alone and scream at the sun, the moon, the stare, whoever will listen, I know that my purity of self isn't too far off. As Scott always said, "Sometimes you have to go through hell to find your heaven." I've been walking the dark circles for too long. And yes, I have walked them out of my own choice in some instances, but it's now time to find the light again. It's time to stop the self-pity and sadness, time to move on to the good.... Time to be Me.
The girl feeling the wind.
The girl watching the moon.
The girl who wants nothing more than to find love in herself and then share that love with another person who welcomes it fully, without condition.....

I want to be stolen away by those same eyes that captured me years ago and changed me. I want to see those eyes smiling into mine and knowing....... Just knowing....... As we've always known, like the past doesn't matter, and like each moment we see one another for the first time.... Soon.... So soon...........

Elphaba Forever

Maybe it's the fact that it's Ohio and we never see the sun here.
Maybe it's the fact that I now have 3 big regrets instead of 2. Well, maybe 2 and a half....
Maybe it's the fact that I thought by now I would have the answers, and I feel as clueless as ever.....
Who knows.
But the truth I have at the moment is that I feel like Elphaba from "Wicked." It seems like I'm forever singing "He'll always be that boy, but I'll never be that girl." Below you'll find the entire song......
No matter how far I come it seems like I'm still fighting those first impressions, Like I'm still fighting to belong with someone who when I'm ME I feel so in tune with and so close to. Yeah, I know it's nuts. I hate the fact that I hid who I was from him for so long. Most of all I hate the fact that home seems to be whenever I hear him talk. That the place that has felt the most comfortable and the most like home in 5 years have been the days, nights, and everything in between when I'm around him. Words can't describe the vulnerability I feel when I look in his eyes.... I feel like every part is exposed and it's amazing and scary all at once. Seeing the goofy 5 year old smile and giving it back........ Then a couple of weeks later, I'm disappointed again.
I don't want to be "bitter and jaded party of 1" anymore, but I can't force myself to settle for less than what I feel with him.
A very good friend once told me that the minute you've found your center that one person who turns your head, nothing else compares. It doesn't matter how many other people you date, kiss, sleep with, claim to care about etc. It doesn't matter at all. They're the only thought on your mind. They become the person you measure every other person to, and No One, NO ONE else can EVER measure up to their Imperfection (yes, imperfection.... Perfect is boring and ugly the imperfections are what make people really beautiful).
Yet at the end of the day, regardless of how much he's on my mind and regardless of how much I care, He'll always be that imperfect person who is beautiful to fall in love with, and I'll never be that girl he loves in return. Sucks. But when you're used to disappointment in this arena, it's the brief moments of joy. The brief weekends when you know YOU matter that you hold to. Those are the things that keep you going and give you hope, no matter how false they may be.

"Not that Girl" from Wicked, The Musical
Hands touch, eyes meet Sudden silence, sudden heat Hearts leap in a giddy whirl He could be that boy But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are Don't remember that rush of joy He could be that boy I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven know sI'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loves her so I'm not that girl:

Had It with YOU!

I have had it with hearing you say "I love you" On the phone.
I have had it with guys telling me I'm pretty, I'm beautiful, or anything along those lines.

I'm sick of people looking at me and seeing what they WANT to see and NEVER seeing WHO I AM!!

I wish I could still believe in the lies that all any two people need is love to be happy. But far too often, and from personal experience, I know damn well that's a lie. You need more, you need that spark.

I don't want to hear about how great I could be.... I know I could be better, I get that, but I want to have the freedom to become that person on my own. I don't want you pushing me towards it.

I want to feel what southern sunshine feels like on my skin again. I want to breathe in the salty air of the ocean. I want to wake up in the arms of that "forever love."

Most of all I want the real smile back......

Surrounded

Since Monday night the song "Surrounded" by Chatal Kreviazuk has been running through my head. It seems to express every emotion that I'm going through sad as that may be.
I guess the hardest things I have ever had to go through is the loss of a person that I love. I guess I can't understand why he doesn't love me enough to go through the tough parts of life. Why he feels it's easier to cut and run, rather than stick out. With this I think of the phrase "I was there and I know I was worth it, cause if I wasn't worth it that makes me worse off than you are."
When is it that we know it's real? How can we know that it's worth the long haul? How can we know or cope with it when that trust is lost? Or at least abandoned for a time.
It sucks being in the mental state that I am right now. Not knowing. Doubting. yes, i know that these thoughts would and will hurt the person they are directed towards, but they're thoughts. I can't help wondering if I was just a dream or an alternative reality created in his mind. And once he found out who I really was and what I was really like, he decided to run because that was easy. "It's not what I want so I'll run because that's easier," is sort of the attitude I'm praying he hasn't felt but am expecting he has. Yes, it sucks and it's hurtful to say this, but it's how I feel and it's nothing that he hasn't heard. Whether or not he's thought about it and internalized it are entirely different. I feel like I was a convenience and once it got hard, forget it.
What I guess is bothering me most though is the fact that I still love him. Things would be so much easier now if I could just sit here and belive that I didn't care. That I didn't want to be with him. if there were a way to convince myself that I didn't love him. But that won't happen, no matter how hard I try. I keep hearing my brother's words of, "I know he cares for you and cares about you. I know that he's cared about you more than any other guy you've dated." I wish there were a way to get those words out of my mind. A way to deny they were even said or thought.
In short love sucks. I'm wondering if it's really worth it or if focusing on the business, riches, and wealth of society should be the real goals. Those at least seem attainable. Love doesn't at this point. Or at least not in the sense it was supposed to be. The pure sense the real sense. I guess I'll always love him, I'll just be broken because of it.

Now

Yes, it has been quite some time since I posted something here. This is what happens when you get myspace. Anyway, in the time since my last post, I have fallen in love with the person I want to marry, moved, struggled, and been told that we need to take a break.
I love my One completely. Yes, I know this sounds cliche, and slightly high school neurotic, but I love him.
As my heart sank when "the break" talk occurred, I didn't know what to think. So I'm trying to get my thoughts out here.

Memories of your lips against my skin rouse my senses,
I wish that I could reach out and feel your face,
I don't know how or why I could become your everything,
I just hope that you'll give me a chance, something
That will show me you care,
that you mean what you say.
Life is not easy, we both know the pains and struggles,
We know how to break, how to bend.
But through it all the one emotion remaining is the love I feel for you.
Tell me it's not in vain,
Tell me it's not a waste.
Tell me you feel something similar, Something that could be....
You are the one.
There's nothing more to say.