End of a Year.....

It may have taken me a full academic year to realize certain truths about myself. The first is that I came to law school because I had nothing better to do... I did the minimum amount of work, and I have still managed to do okay.... You should not go to law school simply because you don't know where else to turn.

I realize now that I spent a year being lied to emotionally. I spent a year with teo people wanting to much to believe in a cause, a truth, and impossibility, that he and I both lost who we were and I think are still recovering trying to find who we are.....

It took me a long time to realize why I love my best friend.... Why he amazes me. Then I heard Benny on the phone and I knew why... He's the best of Benny and the best of Andrew... He's the best of the two greatest men I've ever known... That's why I fell, why I still fall, Why I am still in this hopeless type of love.

At this time of year I can smell the magnolias although there are none around for me to climb. I can still feel the warm Southern breeze against my skin, warming me, making me stronger, helping me to feel as if I belong... I miss the South. I miss my Carolina and my nights spent with the windows open feeling the air and sensing self...

I have come to the conclusion that no one ever really grows up, we just forget how to dream big. I never want to forget how to dream, how to feel... I guess in a way I never want to grow up. I always want to believe that my dreams are possible and that they will become reality if I just believe enough.......the hard part now is finding a dream I can beleive in again.... As much as I hate to say it, it seems many dreams I used to have are now tainted... I don't want that, I want the purity of dreaming, the purity of hope, the purity of self again. Easier said than done... But as long as I'm will to travel down that dirt path alone and scream at the sun, the moon, the stare, whoever will listen, I know that my purity of self isn't too far off. As Scott always said, "Sometimes you have to go through hell to find your heaven." I've been walking the dark circles for too long. And yes, I have walked them out of my own choice in some instances, but it's now time to find the light again. It's time to stop the self-pity and sadness, time to move on to the good.... Time to be Me.
The girl feeling the wind.
The girl watching the moon.
The girl who wants nothing more than to find love in herself and then share that love with another person who welcomes it fully, without condition.....

I want to be stolen away by those same eyes that captured me years ago and changed me. I want to see those eyes smiling into mine and knowing....... Just knowing....... As we've always known, like the past doesn't matter, and like each moment we see one another for the first time.... Soon.... So soon...........