Follow Your Heart Diva

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

OAR and Having Someone Say No Is Worse

I was told this weekend that different Chakras relate to different colors. Blue relates to your throat and finding your voice. Red is at the base of the spine, your center, birth and rebirth. Yellow is your stomach. Green is your heart.
A professor asked me what colors reminded me of a friend who is far away. I told him blue and green, which is true. All my memories of this friend he's wearing blue in some form and there's always something green present. Not necessarily an article of clothing, but something around us is green. Doc said that he and I are most likely connected through these chakras and I need to investigate further. Then Doc asked what colors I thought of when remembering someone from my past. In all honesty I couldn't think of a color.
So I arrived home on Sunday night from a lovely weekend away and the person from my past called. We talked for awhile and he's getting married this summer. We were working on certain things regarding the wedding and what he needed to do and how stressed his fiance is (sorry I'm not in the mood to put in the stuff above the letters). Then I told him of my weekend and the chakras. I told him the colors that remind me of my far away friend. And then I asked what colors reminded him of me. Without hesitation or knowing what the colors meant, he replied, "Green. I always see you in green. After that red I guess." My mouth fell silent, for once in my life. Finally I told him all the colors' meanings and when I finally got to green, which was last he said, "Green is the heart." Yes, it is. He continued, "You know that I love you and I always will. I know you're scared to move and take a chance. But remember having someone tell you 'No, don't move here' is worse than going and being let down. At least you get to take the chance that way, someone isn't flat out telling you, 'no, this won't work, ever forget it.'" I was suddenly thrown back into 2002, when I was the one telling him, No, I don't want you to move here to be with me. Which was the final realization as to how badly I had hurt him months before we finally broke up. It also got me questioning if I had made a mistake. What if I'd actually allowed him to take the chance he was willing to take? Where would we be now?
Then there's the matter of the dream I keep having where we see eachother one last time before his wedding to his fiance. Essentially, without going into detail, he cheats on her, we have our last great fling, and then we know once and for all it's over. We finally have that closure. They get married and have the perfect life, and I finally quit questioning. We never speak again. But it's okay. I know that's how it needs to be.
I had this dream before the conversation. So the conversation just made me freak out, after the dream had freaked me out previously. I would never want to put him in that situation, but I also know that eventually we need to talk and get out all of the remaining feelings we have for eachother. I just hope only words are used.
Which brings me to OAR. I heard their new song "Love and Memories" while traveling this weekend. It perfectly describes how I feel regarding this whole ex situation. We amazed each other, it was meant to be, it was a fairy tale, but it ended and then we find ourselves trapped in our memories.
Now I only question, what next? And which chance should I be taking?