Surrounded

Since Monday night the song "Surrounded" by Chatal Kreviazuk has been running through my head. It seems to express every emotion that I'm going through sad as that may be.
I guess the hardest things I have ever had to go through is the loss of a person that I love. I guess I can't understand why he doesn't love me enough to go through the tough parts of life. Why he feels it's easier to cut and run, rather than stick out. With this I think of the phrase "I was there and I know I was worth it, cause if I wasn't worth it that makes me worse off than you are."
When is it that we know it's real? How can we know that it's worth the long haul? How can we know or cope with it when that trust is lost? Or at least abandoned for a time.
It sucks being in the mental state that I am right now. Not knowing. Doubting. yes, i know that these thoughts would and will hurt the person they are directed towards, but they're thoughts. I can't help wondering if I was just a dream or an alternative reality created in his mind. And once he found out who I really was and what I was really like, he decided to run because that was easy. "It's not what I want so I'll run because that's easier," is sort of the attitude I'm praying he hasn't felt but am expecting he has. Yes, it sucks and it's hurtful to say this, but it's how I feel and it's nothing that he hasn't heard. Whether or not he's thought about it and internalized it are entirely different. I feel like I was a convenience and once it got hard, forget it.
What I guess is bothering me most though is the fact that I still love him. Things would be so much easier now if I could just sit here and belive that I didn't care. That I didn't want to be with him. if there were a way to convince myself that I didn't love him. But that won't happen, no matter how hard I try. I keep hearing my brother's words of, "I know he cares for you and cares about you. I know that he's cared about you more than any other guy you've dated." I wish there were a way to get those words out of my mind. A way to deny they were even said or thought.
In short love sucks. I'm wondering if it's really worth it or if focusing on the business, riches, and wealth of society should be the real goals. Those at least seem attainable. Love doesn't at this point. Or at least not in the sense it was supposed to be. The pure sense the real sense. I guess I'll always love him, I'll just be broken because of it.

Now

Yes, it has been quite some time since I posted something here. This is what happens when you get myspace. Anyway, in the time since my last post, I have fallen in love with the person I want to marry, moved, struggled, and been told that we need to take a break.
I love my One completely. Yes, I know this sounds cliche, and slightly high school neurotic, but I love him.
As my heart sank when "the break" talk occurred, I didn't know what to think. So I'm trying to get my thoughts out here.

Memories of your lips against my skin rouse my senses,
I wish that I could reach out and feel your face,
I don't know how or why I could become your everything,
I just hope that you'll give me a chance, something
That will show me you care,
that you mean what you say.
Life is not easy, we both know the pains and struggles,
We know how to break, how to bend.
But through it all the one emotion remaining is the love I feel for you.
Tell me it's not in vain,
Tell me it's not a waste.
Tell me you feel something similar, Something that could be....
You are the one.
There's nothing more to say.