Elphaba Forever

Maybe it's the fact that it's Ohio and we never see the sun here.
Maybe it's the fact that I now have 3 big regrets instead of 2. Well, maybe 2 and a half....
Maybe it's the fact that I thought by now I would have the answers, and I feel as clueless as ever.....
Who knows.
But the truth I have at the moment is that I feel like Elphaba from "Wicked." It seems like I'm forever singing "He'll always be that boy, but I'll never be that girl." Below you'll find the entire song......
No matter how far I come it seems like I'm still fighting those first impressions, Like I'm still fighting to belong with someone who when I'm ME I feel so in tune with and so close to. Yeah, I know it's nuts. I hate the fact that I hid who I was from him for so long. Most of all I hate the fact that home seems to be whenever I hear him talk. That the place that has felt the most comfortable and the most like home in 5 years have been the days, nights, and everything in between when I'm around him. Words can't describe the vulnerability I feel when I look in his eyes.... I feel like every part is exposed and it's amazing and scary all at once. Seeing the goofy 5 year old smile and giving it back........ Then a couple of weeks later, I'm disappointed again.
I don't want to be "bitter and jaded party of 1" anymore, but I can't force myself to settle for less than what I feel with him.
A very good friend once told me that the minute you've found your center that one person who turns your head, nothing else compares. It doesn't matter how many other people you date, kiss, sleep with, claim to care about etc. It doesn't matter at all. They're the only thought on your mind. They become the person you measure every other person to, and No One, NO ONE else can EVER measure up to their Imperfection (yes, imperfection.... Perfect is boring and ugly the imperfections are what make people really beautiful).
Yet at the end of the day, regardless of how much he's on my mind and regardless of how much I care, He'll always be that imperfect person who is beautiful to fall in love with, and I'll never be that girl he loves in return. Sucks. But when you're used to disappointment in this arena, it's the brief moments of joy. The brief weekends when you know YOU matter that you hold to. Those are the things that keep you going and give you hope, no matter how false they may be.

"Not that Girl" from Wicked, The Musical
Hands touch, eyes meet Sudden silence, sudden heat Hearts leap in a giddy whirl He could be that boy But I'm not that girl:
Don't dream too far Don't lose sight of who you are Don't remember that rush of joy He could be that boy I'm not that girl
Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven know sI'm not that girl:
Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loves her so I'm not that girl:

Had It with YOU!

I have had it with hearing you say "I love you" On the phone.
I have had it with guys telling me I'm pretty, I'm beautiful, or anything along those lines.

I'm sick of people looking at me and seeing what they WANT to see and NEVER seeing WHO I AM!!

I wish I could still believe in the lies that all any two people need is love to be happy. But far too often, and from personal experience, I know damn well that's a lie. You need more, you need that spark.

I don't want to hear about how great I could be.... I know I could be better, I get that, but I want to have the freedom to become that person on my own. I don't want you pushing me towards it.

I want to feel what southern sunshine feels like on my skin again. I want to breathe in the salty air of the ocean. I want to wake up in the arms of that "forever love."

Most of all I want the real smile back......